Being eternally cold is awful.
Seriously. It’s a problem.
When you constantly find yourself checking to see how many fingers you have left, it can be tempting to start a bonfire and jump right in.
But there are several less drastic strategies you can take.
Here are a few starting points to help thaw out your frozen carcass this winter.
Your friends and family know better than to let you come near them.
They know what it’s like to feel your clammy tentacles sucking the heat out of them – and they want no part of it.
This means that you must resort to the kindness of strangers. Hugging a sweet-looking bystander just might save your life.
*Note: This strategy might also end your life so choose wisely.
Once you have been abandoned by the humans in your life, it’s time to resort to cuddling with your cat.
Yes, all cold people have cats.
And those furry balls of joy provide great comfort until you try to unhook their claws from the heating vent.
This tactic might leave you with a few scars and a lifelong enemy but the warmth will be worth it.
Those of us that fail to generate body heat understand the grocery store routine all too well.
No matter how much we love our fruits and veggies, we can only bear to stand in the produce section for so long. This also applies to the meat, dairy department and any other refrigerated sections of the store.
If you want to stay warm then you should plan on skipping these areas altogether and embrace the canned tuna and cracker diet.
And you can forget about the frozen food aisle.
Not only is it unbearable for heat-challenged humans to purchase frozen goods. It is also unwise to consume anything that is colder than room temperature.
This means you will never enjoy the taste of ice cream melting on your tongue and freezing your insides.
Whether you are at home, or in the office, you need to make it clear to everyone that they may not approach the thermostat for any reason.
YOU control the temperature and anyone who goes against you will face your icy wrath.
They may resent you at first but they will learn to get over it – or disappear forever.
Skiing? Snowboarding? Ice Skating?
The winter season is filled with entertainment opportunities that you will never experience.
You can watch everyone else having fun.
From your living room window.
With your cat.
You’ve already lost your friends and family.
You’re cat has forgiven you for stealing the heating vent (probably).
You might as well just hole up all winter and order in your meals to add some variety to your tuna diet.
Who knows…you could also get the occasional hug from the delivery guy.
Another option is to get that heart rate up and force your puny veins to circulate some heat.
Get up on that treadmill and run.
Run as you look out your window and watch those normal people laughing and playing in the snow.
Feel the rage and maybe one day you will experience the ecstasy of sweat dripping down your face.
If the options above sound too hideous to bear, then it may be time to relocate to a warmer climate.
Death Valley has provided shelter to many cold souls.
It is also the home of rattlesnakes, scorpions and black widow spiders but they may not be so bad once you get to know them.
Can you even remember a time when you didn’t look like a yeti?
The lumpy layers and gorilla-sized mittens don’t flatter anyone.
But if you want to feel even a hint of warmth this winter you’ll just have to sacrifice the hope of looking fashionable.
Or maybe you could bypass every single idea on this list and get yourself a heated jacket.
I’ve got to go away, but baby, it’s cold outside.
Yup, you feel like getting away but it seems like the cold won’t let you. Don’t let this be an excuse for you to go into hibernation mode...
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